BREAKING: Trump Makes Cracker Barrel Great Again

Chalk up another cultural W for Donald J. Trump—this time at the all-important battlefield of biscuits and rocking chairs: Cracker Barrel.

Here’s what happened. The company thought it was a great idea to spend $700 million to modernize everything—new interiors, a shiny new logo, probably a gluten-free kale option no one asked for. CEO Julie Felss Masino even told ABC News, “People like what we’re doing.”
Correction: no, Julie, people did not like what you were doing.

After a tidal wave of backlash (and a not-so-gentle nudge from Trump on Truth Social to “go back to the old logo” and “Make Cracker Barrel a WINNER again”), the company immediately waved the white flag. By Tuesday, Cracker Barrel declared the “Old Timer” logo would remain. Translation: the biscuits, the peg game, and the home-cooked nostalgia are safe.

And here’s the kicker: not only did Trump save Cracker Barrel from its own bad branding, but the stock popped 7% in premarket trading. That’s right—Grandpa’s pancakes just outperformed Wall Street.

Even the White House confirmed the company called to thank Trump before announcing the reversal. Imagine being the CEO of a $2 billion company and having to call Mar-a-Lago to say, “Sorry, sir, we’ll keep the rocking chairs.”

So, yes—this one’s over. Trump won. The kale lost. And America can keep enjoying Cracker Barrel the way God intended: with gravy on everything and an old-time logo smiling down on us.

Or in Trump’s own words: “Make lots of money and, most importantly, make your customers happy again!”

Mission accomplished. Pass the cornbread.