This weekend Free Press Fail’s fearless front-woman, co-founder and conservative rising star, Corinne Clark, tied the knot in her hometown of Reno, Nevada and naturally, I, the Conservative Critic, was invited and will be providing an exclusive review of the festivities.
From the flowers, to the venue to bridal behavior (there’s only room for one ‘Zilla’ at this organization Bride or otherwise), I was there for all of you to let you know the real scoop.
As always I will be asking: Was it entertaining? Did it have intellectual/artistic value? And most importantly of all: was it liberal propaganda?
The Conservative Critic Meter Check: Corinne Clark’s Wedding
Overall rating: Better than Obama’s Birthday
Technically I was not at Obama’s birthday party but based on the photos, guest lists and location of both events I stand by my rating.
The Clark/[Redacted] wedding was one for the ages. Uniquely set at the border of a raging forest fire, Corinne and her family went to great lengths to ensure the most original and stylish event possible.
The guest list included only the top of the conservative social echelon from the devout anti-COVID-vaxxers to loyal Ted Cruz lawyers. If anyone in the room hadn’t voted for President Trump in 2020, they felt enough shame to hide it.
The speeches were sweet, the dancing was lit and the food featured meat and potatoes. The party was so golden, rumor has it that Nancy Pelosi was “in Reno for other parties anyway” hoping she’d get invited in.
Was it entertaining?
Rating: Think inauguration, 2016
If a wedding should be anything it should be
a ceremonial joining of two families in the sight of God a rager. Corinne and her mother, Michelle, did not misunderstand the assignment.
The ceremony kicked off a little late giving guests plenty of time to drink extra champagne in their seats before the bride showed up. Being slightly more intoxicated than expected for what could be a lengthy ceremony is always ideal.
But luckily for the guests, the ceremony was a crisp 13 minutes (we know this because the groomsmen had an over/under going on 15 minutes – it was in Reno afterall) set in front of a bubbling waterfall. Corinne and her groom, [Redacted], were joined in marriage by a friend ordained online who delighted guests with her absolutely perfect writing and professionalism. Truly she was one of the biggest highlights of the entire event.
As the guests moved into the cocktail hour they were greeted by three signature drinks; the Trump Won, the Melania, and the Build a Wall as well as three different Trump wine selections: the blanc de blanc, the sparkling rose and the Meritage as well as top shelf liquors and fanciest of all: Trulys and Whiteclaws. It was a bar for all tastes.
The couple didn’t keep the group waiting and made their grand entrance only a few minutes after the cocktail hour began. Corinne and [Redacted] were artful minglers, taking time to play in the professional photobooth with almost all of their guests.
After the first dance and some tearful words from family, the guests were left to dance the night away with the bride and groom and dance the night away we did until the epic conclusion featuring group karaoke to Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing. The DJ was extremely accommodating and played nearly any request including Jelical Cats from the Musical CATastrophe, Cats which someone really cool must have requested (‘twas me).
Overall there were no lulls or bad actors and the night would only have been more fun if it was still in Trump’s America
which technically it is.
Did it have artistic/intellectual value?
Corinne’s mother, Michelle Clark, served as host and wedding planner as well as mother of the bride. From the absolutely stunning garden venue to the dusty pink roses and fashionable bridal party attire, the Clark women took a page from Melania herself when putting this event together.
Corinne wore Marchesa off-the-shoulder, mermaid cut with a floral applique while her sister and maid-of-honor (who was nine months pregnant with her fifth child and yet carrying like she was four months into baby number one) wore white floral to match. The rest of the bridesmaids were colored in late summer terracotta in mixed cuts.
[Redacted] and the groomsmen wore tuxedos no one cares what they were. Boy clothes are boring and we all know it.
A black tie affair, the guests arrived decked out and ready to get fancy.
The food was forgettable as it should be. No one remembers wedding food unless it’s bad. The food was distinctly, not bad at all and in fact the prime rib was especially tender. The food was also served pretty early which helps give everyone the endurance they need to imbibe the night away.
Corinne and [Redacted] took ballroom dancing classes to present a sweet dance to Alanis Morrisette’s, Head over Feet, which is pretty original and surprising considering neither the bride nor the groom is strung out on pills or managing a failing record store or whatever else I imagine Alanis Morisette fans are doing these days (whenever someone karaokes You Oughta Know I feel compelled to ask them if they’re doing alright).
[Redacted]’s brother, [Redacted], gave a well-rehearsed Best Man toast which was a major victory considering most of those end in some kind of uncomfortable sex joke and a fake laugh from the bride’s grandma.
Corinne’s small niece, Princess Hadley, gave an ovation-worthy dance performance while Corinne’s mother quietly serenaded her to Mariah Carey’s, Always be my Baby, bringing everyone in the room with a soul to tears (so about half).
Corinne and her family also made the special decision to host the event right on the edge of a raging California forest fire to give the entire event a sense of urgency and a profound quality unlike most weddings set in more pedestrian locations with no accelerating flames and life threatening smoke and ash raining from the sky. As you know I always applaud when someone thinks of something new and takes a risk. (This is a joke they obviously had no control over the fire much like the State of California’s emergency response teams thanks to decades of poor forest and rangeland management by a progressive government who has no regard for human life or true environmental responsibility).
And most importantly the ceremony itself was delivered with more grace and skill than any wedding ceremony in history. Its true. That’s what they said.
Was it liberal propaganda?
Rating: Full-on right wing conspiracy
From the names of the cocktails to the 100% liberal free (unless people were lying which, good for them honestly if they did) guest list and zero mask zone, the party was basically an homage to President Trump himself.
The evening was full of conversations on the dance floor about the suspicious rushing of FDA approval for vaccines with unknown long term human impacts and the longtime connection between the Bush’s and Clintons and Haitian corruption. Okay all of those were my conversations. But still I don’t even think the last Republican National Convention was as conservative as this party.
As any true fan would expect, Corinne Clark now [Redacted]’s wedding was a fun filled, stylish conservative rave that I was honored to attend and will go down in history as one of the hottest events of all time [mainly from the fire].