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Joe Burrow Is Back! How Would Your Wife Rank The NFL Quarterback?



Fall is upon us and that means holidays, school, and FOOTBALL!!!!!! Real football. American football (actually the National Football League is aggressively speculating in foreign markets right now so soon the whole world will know our glory but that’s for another day). 

As season openers rapidly approach, celebrity Quarterback (QB), Joe Burrow of the Cincinnati Bengals and TikTok posted a now viral Instagram story indicating he’d returned to practice following an injury. The photo he shared was taken almost a decade ago and features a teenage Burrow in a Lebron James Jersey with the caption “He’s back.” 

A lot of die-hard football fans think the Joe Burrow celebration is overrated. They say he’s only a mid QB. Setting aside the fact that he led the Bengals to only their third ever Super Bowl and was only defeated by a field goal on his opponent’s home turf (LA Rams at LA Stadium) – Burrow’s active and engaging social media presence is what makes him a household name. Burrow is one of the few quarterbacks most women and those with only a casual interest in football can name and it’s not just because he’s attractive (a lot of players are cuties) it’s because he knows how to play it. He has game off the field. 

So for you expert NFL fans out there who know all of the stats and can name all of the coaches and every team’s 30-year history: Here is a definitive ranking of the 2023 starting QBs of the NFL according to the women and casual fans in your life: 

32. DeShaun Watson, Cleveland Browns

DeShaun Watson was accused by 22 women of sexual impropriety. He was cleared by a Grand Jury of criminality but that doesn’t mean he is cleared of having a creepy massage parlor habit. He goes by “D-Wats” but actually it’s more like “D-bag.” 

31. Baker Mayfield, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

It’s not personal to Baker that he is in place. He has the unfortunate duty of being the immediate replacement of America’s Prom King, Tom Brady. No woman is going to forgive that. Plus his social media is pretty corporate. Looks like he keeps a low profile.

30. Mac Jones, New England Patriots

What do we do with Mac Jones? While he’s not the immediate replacement of THE Tom Brady he is still often compared to him. The youngin posted an unfortunately cringe shirtless cigar victory photo which simply cannot be unseen. Especially in comparison to how other NFL QBs enjoy cigars. He also walks as if he’s never walked on planet earth before. Mac needs to learn a bit more mac before he can daddy. 

29. Desmond Ritter, Atlanta Falcons

Ritter doesn’t have much of a social media presence so those who aren’t avidly interested in football won’t have a lot of access to getting to know him. Active football fans think he’s underrated re: football playing. But the people can’t love him if we don’t see him. Give us more, Desmond!

28. C.J. Stroud, Houston Texans 

CJ Stroud is a baby player just recruited from Ohio State. Fresh out of college, he’s not a fully known entity yet. However, Ohio State has a pretty active and loyal fan base including those regularly passive about football. So he’s starting off his NFL career with a following. While he doesn’t have a TikTok account himself, he’s heavily featured in other accounts regularly giving interviews and doing segments with others. He participates in relevant trends and definitely vibes as an approachable cool guy. 

27. Daniel Jones, New York Giants

Daniel Jones genuinely seems like he cannot believe he’s in the NFL and it’s hella endearing. That being said, he went really viral on social media for an incredible 80 year run that concluded with him tripping over his own feet instead of completing the touch down. The fail was iconic and memorable. But for sure solidified him toward the lower half of the QB ranking of women and average joes.

26. Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills

Josh Allen is very well known amongst your lady friends. Unfortunately, it’s for rumors about cheating on his girlfriend.  Some rumors say he got the woman pregnant. To make it worse, Brittany was his high-school sweetheart. Woof. What a jerk. But now he’s dating popular Marvel and Pitch Perfect actor, Hailey Steinfield so he might be on an upward tick. He also might MAGA (unclear). We definitely all pay attention to him so that’s something. And he has celebrity heat. So he might become less of a villain and more of a favorite. Who knows.

25. Sam Howell, Washington Commanders

Sam Howell has all the potential in the world to be an American heartthrob. He seems to choose not to be. To each their own! He’s been featured in a few magazines and has a social media presence but his following is pretty small compared to the other guys. He seems to really love his wife and God which always wins over our hearts and his Steve Madden partnership gets his face out in the world a bit but there is just something not connecting. He’s missing an ‘it’ and it really seems like he’s not so much missing it as withholding it. 

24. Jordan Love, Green Bay Packers

Not quite as dramatic a problem to have as poor Mayfield taking over for Brady but Love is coming into a team following a very well loved and known QB, Aaron Rogers. His instagram has a lot of personality and it’s clear he at least occasionally posts himself. He hasn’t made much of a name for himself and it’s doubtful many women or casual football viewers would know his name yet, but with a name like ‘Love’ his rise to become America’s favorite footballer could be an easier road than most. We’ll have to see if he’ll overcome the “I miss Aaron” sentiment. 

23. Anthony Richardson, Indianapolis Colts

Anthony is super young and he has a ton of swag and style and ego. He has so many haters out there in the sports world and is ranked consistently as the least promising QB for the 2023 season (in terms of football). But I sense a story arch here. The kid put out a rap video recently and it seems like he knows how to make a big splash. The video was terrible and so was the song and it’s far too niche for broad enjoyment but Richardson was the best thing about the song and the video by FAR. In fact, the whole thing was extremely cringe except that Richardson’s part saved it. He also has cheek. In the pre-season he openly taunted the other team (Eagles) by doing their signature celebration after the Colts scored. People love a little villain moment. He’s got edge. He’s got something.

22. Kyle Murray (Maybe not?), Arizona Cardinals 

At the time of this article it was extremely unclear to me if Murray was going to be the starting QB of the Cardinals. Two days prior to this article their former QB, Colt McCoy, was cut and Murray is their backup so there is a possibility of him starting but a lot of reports say no he isn’t so IDK who the Cardinals are starting. Since he’s not cut yet we’re just going to pretend he might, and if that’s the case the move is a major boost to the Cardinals per this particular and super important and scientific ranking. I mean, Murray looks like a pop star and wears sports bras in practice (okay it’s a heart rate monitor but still) garnering him loads of hilarious attention. He’s been on the cover of Sports Illustrated (playing a video game but whatever he was there) and he has prominent social media followers like @BoyWithNoJob who is the husband of the popular podcaster Claudia Oshry of the Toast. That’s some heavy female influencing power.

21. Bryce Young, Carolina Panthers

Bryce is in his inaugural NFL season so there isn’t a lot to know about him except he played for a famed and storied school (Alabama) with a die-hard fanbase whose female alumni will definitely show up for him. Even very casual football fans know that being the #1 draft pick for 2023 is a big deal. If this was the ranking of the sweetest smile in the NFL, it would go right away to Bryce. It’s only a matter of time as this young man grows up that he’s going to be captain of the hearthrob club. He’s lean for a footballer which means designer brands are going to be falling all over themselves to lock down deals once he plays even a modest season in the pros. Also, he had a semi-viral moment at the draft when his longtime friend, CJ Stroud, was drafted (right after he was drafted himself). The gen pop loves a loyal sweetie and we have one in Bryce Young. He may be too unknown to break the top half of the list today, but soon.

20. Geno Smith, Seattle Seahawks

Geno Smith is really well appreciated by the educated and deeply interested football fans and some of their love spills over to the casual viewers and your wives. He isn’t a flashy guy and his public persona is almost exclusively football related. He ranks this highly because his name ID is pretty solid but there isn’t anything particularly enamoring about him. Macklemore is a fan? Not sure if that helps or hurts. Geno Smith is perfectly mid and that’s okay!

19. Derek Carr, New Orleans Saints

Derek Carr is a fun one because he went a little viral for being a guest speaker/preacher at a church and doing a really good job. It turned out that he regularly speaks churches and Christian events. The people love a good sermon. People love church. Justin Bieber had lost all his rizz until he famously became a church boy. Carr ’s easy to get behind as the NFL’s only minister on the field. He also has a very cute fam and a relatable instagram (relatable if you were super rich). 

18. Ryan Tannehill, Tennessee Titans

Ryan Tannehill is pretty active with his wife on social media. If he wasn’t an NFL QB they could really try their hand at ‘mommy blogging.’ He’s got a great family. He wears a chain for no reason. Ryan Tannehill is just sort of a catchy guy. 

17. Justin Fields, Chicago bears

You’d be surprised by the following Justin Fields has. The Ohio State loyalists are still riding fully for Fields. He has one of the highest instagram followings of all the QBs and he’s been ranked by many a random TikToker as one of the hottest players in the NFL. The hotness goes a long way with the people. He has regularly been caught being nice to kids and athletes with disabilities.He’s got a paid partnership with Dunkin Donuts and America literally runs on Dunkin. Plus he has style (or a good stylist). He’s not quite an icon but he’s a rising star with the ladies and the regulars. 

16. Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys

Dak has a pretty big thirst following. There is a common search on TikTok “Dak Prescott is fine” and they do not mean “doing okay.” The ladies of America don’t need to know more about Dak and are open to unsolicited Dak pics any old time.

15. Kenny Pickett, Pittsburgh Steelers 

14. Russell Wilson, Denver Broncos

Russell Wilson is married to the Princess herself, Ciara. Between the major star power he earned when playing for the Seattle Seahawks and being Mr. One Two Step, Russell Wilson is an A-Lister and the perfect candidate to kick off the top half of the list. Sure his cost/value to the Broncos is considered a contender for the worst trade in NFL history but that only mars his celebrity by a little bit. 

13. Brock Purdy, San Francisco 49ers

Brock Purdy has something a bit intangible. He is easy to root for because it looks like a high school senior is being allowed to play in a pro game as some sort of gimmick. Did he win a raffle? He’s a big Christian with a big Christian fanbase and he’s marrying a girl who also looks like she attended her Junior Prom last week. He just seems like the kind of guy you root for and so we do.

12. Lamar Jackson, Baltimore Ravens

Lamar Jackson is considered by many to be one of the top QBs in the game right now behind Patrick Mahomes. He has almost as many followers as the prince himself, Joe Burrow (more below), and he has the skills to connect with fans through a far more personal social media presence than most of his peers. He’s been featured in videos by Jake Paul and even called out in the WWE universe by Chris Jericho. Jackson is in the zeitgeist. He’s a top guy even if you don’t know that much about his game.

11. Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins

Tua stands out because of who he is and that’s a good thing. With his new beautiful native tattoos representing his first child, Tua is a special guy. Plus, we all held our breath after watching that concussion in real time. He’s a major Christian who helped bring his own dad to Christ. He’s a Shania Twain fan and even had a jersey made specially for her. Tua has the people on his side. 

10. Justin Herbert, Los Angeles Chargers

Justin Herbert has a very alluring ‘gives no sh*ts’ persona which vibes with a lot of your casual fans. A California player who vibes Cali-boy all the way, he seems like someone you’d for sure want to hang out with. He is consistently ranked as one of the hottest QB in the game (the long hair was the right call) and really what more is there? 

9. Jared Goff, Detroit Lions

Most of Jared Goff’s credibility comes from his really hot model girlfriend, Christen Harper. Look, he must be good at a lot more than football. I MEAN COOKING GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!

8. Trevor Lawrence, Jacksonville Jaguars

Ah yes, Trevor Lawrence. The golden prince of Florida. Lawrence is young, chill, hilarious and genuinely a man of his people. After he won that playoff game he went straight to the local Waffle House to celebrate. Trevor is known as humble, thoughtful and balanced. With the Jaguars having a bit of a renaissance thanks to their mascot going viral, Trevor has had a solid minute of spotlight. People love a beachy bro. 

7. Kirk Cousins, Minnesota Vikings

Kirk Cousins already had a high name ID but he also participated in the Netflix series “The Quarterback” which gave Americans the chance to see him in a more intimate setting and get to know him better like learning his wife has to pick out his clothes because he’s such a bad dresser. People tend to cheer for the people they feel like they’re bought into. Cousins is a bit of an enigma in that he really just looks like your richest neighbor in the suburban midwest is somehow playing professional football. Boggles the mind. But it’s a brand and it’s a brand he does well. 

6. Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles

Jalen Hurts is another that frequents the NFL hottest lists. There are many viral thirst posts of Hurts on TikTok and all the other socials. He also is known as a good guy and he famously is still with his girlfriend from college, Bry Burrows (no relation to Joe). He also happens to be one of the better QBs in the NFL so he gets a lot of media making him a pretty well known entity. It helps that he has many famous fans whose profiles raise his like Kevin Hart. 

5. Matthew Stafford, Los Angeles Rams

Matthew Stafford made a big splash in his Super Bowl appearance when he beat Joe Burrow. It was really the battle of the very well liked. Stafford is known for his respect for his wife and family and his unusual maturity on the team. He has extremely cute daughters who won America’s heart at his big victory and his popularity in the hearts of women and regulars will live a very long time. 

4. Patrick Mahomes, Kansas CIty Chiefs

Patrick Mahomes is one of the top dogs as a player and as a dude. He and his wife Brittany are the subject of local and national tabloids constantly due to Brittany’s passionate support of Patrick of which people can be very critical. Personally I stan Brittany. The two were featured in Netflix’s The Quarterback which only solidified their already extremely bright star power. The weirdest thing about Mahomes is that despite being one of the most famous men in America, whenever he or Brittany show up somewhere they seem like it’s their first time at a fancy party (in the best way). It actually for real cracks me up when Mahomes tries to do a “tough guy” face in a photo. You can just tell Patrick Mahomes is a solidly nice guy.

3. Jimmy Garoppolo, Las Vegas Raiders

Jimmy Garoppolo has been around long enough for all of America’s women to know how hot he is. There really doesn’t need to be anything more to this man for him to be robustly supported by average casual viewers. He can just keep being the hottest one. He also has a mysterious dating life where he hasn’t been spotted consistently with one woman in any recent period. He’s playing the field while he’s playing the field and we live for it. Cannot wait to see him thrive in Las Vegas. He already is slaying.

2. Aaron Rodgers, New York Jets

Rodgers is a household name and he has been an A-lister since he moved to Green Bay. Rogers has and continues to date celebrities and stay well within the public eye. When he defied COVID-19 vaccines he built a stronger, more loyal group of totally passive football fans who care more about him than they do the game. With his trade to the Jets making major headlines and his celebrity golf tournament appearances, he has more heat than ever this year. 100% the ladies in your life know who Aaron Rodgers is and like him.

  1. Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals 

You guys knew this one. Joe Burrow enjoys the broadest and least football educated fandom in the nation. The man has charisma and there’s no denying it. He has millions of followers on social media including many celebrities completely unrelated to football. Burrow is a certified A-lister who could walk into any party or any bar or probably any house and be immediately recognized and offered a snack. Not only do the women in your life know Burrow, he has permeated pop culture so deeply he’s now a part of elusive  youth culture. Burrow is the definition of ‘the man.’ 

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