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The Conservative Critic

Some severed heads got stolen in CO and I’m on the case



This morning in a ghoulish (but also hilarious and delightful) turn of events, some severed heads meant for scientific research were stolen off a freight vehicle in Colorado. The police have no current leads.

But not to worry because Free Press Fail’s own Private Eye, Sherlock Zilla, is on the case and I have some pretty strong theories about the case of the missing heads. Elementary!

  1. CNN needs the brain power 

The crack team over at CNN has been using one shared brain for a long time and they had to fire it recently so they needed some options. 

  1. They’re going to do a creepier Dave with Joe Biden 

If you recall in the 1993 comedy, Dave, a look alike, replaces the comatose president of the United States. In this version it seems they’re screening replacement heads only but still it would probably perform better than the current version.

  1. The COVID zombie army needs to be fed

The COVID panic zombies don’t have masks to keep them calm anymore and need to be fed before they totally lose it. Brians! They need brains! 

  1. Mitt Romney’s trophy collection is expanding 

It’s well known that Mitt Romney hunts the most dangerous game (probably) but perhaps this shipment had a more rare trophy. Maybe a ginger? 

  1. Nancy Pelosi needs to make a point to her progressive wing

Do not cross Nancy. 

  1. Hunter Biden killed all the people in box on a coke addled rampage

It’s not a dishonorable discharge, it’s a “discharge for reasons other than honorable” get it right. Gotta clear the evidence. 

  1. Meghan McCain needs someone to talk to 

Perhaps the world’s loneliest elitist, Meghan needs some people who like her. Detached heads and some well placed crazy glue is probably her best bet. 

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