This week in a fatal blow to racism, America’s principled heroes made the brave decision to vote to remove inanimate stone objects from their precious marble building. Despite the awareness that there is no country in the world where a minority person of color would be better off than the United States of America, these absolute heroes took the most important step of all which is to posthumously condemn a bunch of dead people for choices that a bunch of alive people 250 years later decided were unforgivably and damningly wrong. These true patriots know that it doesn’t matter how someone contributed to history, the full picture of historical context or their entire body of work – what matters is one thing that was bad. That one thing is enough.
The House democrats voted to remove confederate statues.
But why stop there? There are a lot of problematic individuals on display in the Capitol. Let’s take a look at whose lifeless homage should be lit on fire (or something) next. History be damned!
- Kamehameha I
The largest statue in the entire Capitol, Kamehameha is also featured quite ironically in Emancipation Hall despite his ownership of literally thousands of slaves who he made do hard labor for his own profits. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
- Jeanette Rankin
The first woman elected to Congress from Montana, Jeanette was a real piece of work let me tell you. In 1940 when Adolf Hitler was systematically slaughtering millions of jews not to mention black and brown Africans and Japan had bombed Pearl Harbor, Jeanette Ranking voted against war with Germany. In fact, she was the only member of Congress to vote with Adolf Hitler that day. CANCELED!
- The Suffragettes
Lucritia Mott, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony are prominently displayed in the Capitol Rotunda. Sure they successfully fought for the abolition of slavery and for women’s right to vote, but did you know they were staunchly anti-abortion? WOW In 2021 we really would allow three internalized patriarchal anti-feminists to stand proud in the rotunda? GET EM OUTTA THERE!
- Thomas Edison
Thomas Edison is a well recorded patent troll who stole the ideas of poorer and less powerful men and assembled them together to gain the patent on the incandescent bulb. He also used to use “his” invention of the lightbulb as proof that white people were more inventive than other races – subscribing to the, at the time, widely believed ~science~ of “eugenics.” This is despite the fact that a black man, Lewis Lattimer, literally wrote the book on the science of incandescent light and electricity and Edison credited him, never. CANCELED!
- Brigham Young
Brigham Young is literally accused of ordering the murder hundreds of people in the Mountain View Massacre. Even though he faced trial and was excused and later excommunicated the convicted militia (a militia which he started, armed and gave orders to violently protect territory), he still had no trouble pointing the finger at indigenous peoples and accusing the local tribe of the murder. COLONIZER! TAKE HIM DOWN!
Just outside stands a fountain depicting Neptune. Neptune is literally the God of sea and earthquakes AKA tsunamis which have killed thousands of people. Neptune is culturally insensitive and dismissive to black and brown lives. UNACCEPTABLE!
- Father Juniper Serra
Californian heroes (HEROES) have already taken to the streets toppling this monsters’ statues in their home state. He may be a canonized saint who provided health care and protection to indigeneous peoples and women and children in his missions across the southwest (who might have otherwise been killed by the very Government who placed his statue in their hall) but he tried to convert them to the religion he deeply held. TOXIC INVADER!
- Frederick Douglass
Sure he was one of the most important civil rights leaders and thinkers in American history. But did you know he was the first black American to receive a delegate vote for President at a major party convention? Did you know that party was the *gasp* Republican party???? THE PARTY OF TRUMP MUST GO!
- Helen Keller
Helen Keller not only supported and believed in Eugenics (which was the belief and at the time accepted science that white people were better physically than other races as well as the belief that weaker genes shouldn’t be allowed to live) and even ironically advocated for killing babies with disabilities. ABLEIST AND RACIST TRASH!
- Stephen Austin
I don’t know who this skinny mother effer is but he’s from Texas and thats enough. TEAR HIM DOWN