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The Conservative Critic

Am I right about Ambulance?



Allegedly the movie Ambulance did release to theaters in April but I see no evidence of such an occurrence. It was released to NBC’s streaming platform, Peacock in late May which is where I had the ~pleasure~ of viewing. 

Because my review comes post-streaming release, the mainstream media critics have already weighed in as have some audiences and we could not disagree more. Free Press Fail readers may have to actually watch this movie to decide if I’m right or the rest of the movie watching  world is right. 

As always the Conservative Critic asks: Is it entertaining? Does it have artistic/intellectual value? And is it liberal propaganda? 

The Conservative Critic Meter Check: Ambulance 

Overall rating: Lol. Bad.

 Ambulance completely sucks. It is the definition of bad. And for credibility purposes: I like a good Michael Bay movie treat. Bay is the king of over-the-top juicy action and masculine aesthetic. I’m fine with it, love the style, there is always a time and place for a little Bay snack, especially 13 Hours and the first Transformers. So my hatred of Ambulance is not rooted in snobbish distaste for Bay and his legacy style. In fact, I would argue that critical celebration of Ambulance actually is rooted in their snobbish distaste for the Bay way (because this film was a low budget departure). 

Ambulance is a predictably slow moving, claustrophobic car chase on LA highways. I could forgive how unbelievably stupid the plot line is or how absurd the dialog and acting if not for how terrifically boring it is. Exactly how long am I supposed to be interested in a paramedic and a wild eyed Jake Gyllenhaal sitting in the back of an ambo going no more than 60 MPH in circles aiming for nowhere? Am I really supposed to forgive the whole film cause they found a semblance of a plot line in the last 30 minutes of the film which they immediately abandoned and resolved in one scene? Get out of here. 

Is it entertaining? 

Rating: Too long and too slow

Ambulance has the unmitigated audacity to run an excruciating 2 hours and 16 minutes long. That is the same length as movies like The Avengers and even Bay’s own Transformers franchise. How on earth can a movie about a lone ambulance driving around abandoned highways in a botched low-level bank robbery justify more than 2 hours of runtime? The answer is it can’t. 

The plot is extremely basic leaving no room for intrigue or interest and frankly the viewer learns so little about any of the characters it’s impossible to care if any of them live or die. Many other critics and viewers have used the phrase “action packed” which truly baffles me considering how infrequently the characters leave a tiny box. They literally just drive around and -ridiculously – deal with bizarre medical emergencies from the patient they have hostage in the ambo. 

You could easily take a nap to Ambulance, wake back up and still have a perfect understanding of what’s happening in the movie. 

Does it have artistic/intellectual value? 

Rating: Lol. No.

The plot is that a brother, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II (Black Mirror) as Will, needs some money from another brother, Jake Gyllenaal (Spider-Man: Far From Home) as Danny and it immediately escalates to a bank robbery. The robbery goes bad and ripped right out of the Die Hard screenplay, the brothers escape in an ambulance in an effort to avoid detection (and for some other dumb reasons). And then the cops chase them around and never do things like, oh I don’t know, put up a barricade, put down spikes, lift bridges, or drive faster than the ambulance thereby facilitating the ridiculous premise that an ambulance could out run police for literal hours never stopping for gas. Meanwhile the breathy ingenue paramedic, Eiza Gonzalez (Baby Driver) as Cam, unironically keeps the wounded patient alive with facetime and hair clips. It is truly the worst story maybe ever written. 

All three leads vie for the trophy of most overacting and worst line delivery possible. A few of the literally dozens of needless side characters no one can keep track of do okay. 

The budget was fairly low for this movie so there weren’t even any impressive effects or like artistic cinematography to interest viewers. 

It’s just crap. The whole thing is a poorly done rip off of other movies (think Speed) but significantly less interesting, less asked for and less likely. And it never quite gets bad enough to circle back to good.

Is it liberal propaganda? 

Rating: Too baffling to tell

An argument could be made that the movies overall lust for LA is a liberal lean but tbh it’s such a ridiculous and confusing movie that it’s really impossible to tell what, if any, agenda was seeping through the nonsense. 

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