The Conservative Critic
Who should play Johnny Depp? Casting the inevitable Depp v Heard crime drama
On June 1st, Johnny Depp won his defamation lawsuit against ex-wife Amber Heard over an op-ed she penned for the Washington post allegeding some specific allegations of spousal abuse. America hasn’t been as obsessed with a court case as they have been with Depp v Heard since Casey Anthony was declared not guilty. Like in the case of Anthony (though criminal versus civil cases are different) there are a million different opinions on whether or not justice was served between Depp and Heard. Domestic abuse is an extremely sensitive and complex subject. Violent and complicated relationships are all too relatable to Americans. As entertaining and enthralling as we all found this case, it doesn’t belittle how serious it was.
Enter crime dramas. We love them. They are everywhere. No subject seems off limits. Court room stories ranging from stories of murder to serial murder to plain old con artistry have popped up to huge success on major networks and streaming platforms including an award winning series called American Crime Story literally dedicated to telling stories about American crime. And what makes these series so great? It’s the casting. Who is going to play these famous bad guys?
But how do you cast actors to play actors? Here is an imaginary casting of the inevitable Depp v Heard Hulu/HBO Max/FX original mini series:
- Camille Vasquez (Depp lawyer): America Ferrera
America Ferrera is perhaps best known for her role on Ugly Betty but she also plays the voice of a viking girl in How to Drain Your Dragon and what’s more similar to training dragons than being a celebrity lawyer?
- Elaine Charlson Bredehoft (Heard lawyer): Sarah Paulson
I think Sarah Paulson is contractually obligated to appear in all courtroom dramas made into series.
- Judge Penney Azcarate: Any Olsen twin
No one looks less like they want to be somewhere than the Olsens anywhere they go and Judge Azacarte in this trial. They claim to have retired from acting and Azacarte looks like she wants to retire too.
- Whitney Heard (Amber Heard’s sister and witness): Amber Heard
She can’t play herself because that would be weird but she does look like her sister.
- Kate Moss (Depp ex and witness): Winona Ryder
Winona is also an ex of Johnny Depp plus she has experience with court rooms.
- Malcolm Connolly (Depp bodyguard and witness)
If Heard gets a part, Depp gets a part and what better part than of his long time bodyguard who famously testified “I think I would have remembered seeing Mr Depp’s penis.”
- Amber Heard: Evangeline Lilly
The Ant Man and the Wasp star resisted the tyranny of COVID lockdowns and got a lot of flack for it. I mainly just want to see her with more leading roles. Plus she has Amber’s bone structure.
- Johnny Depp: Orlando Bloom
If anyone can do Captain Jack Sparrow it’s his bff William Turner. Plus what even is Orlando doing lately?
Can’t wait to see this turned into a show. Call me Ryan Murphy!
