You have probably seen there is a balloon hanging over the top of some important American stuff and now drifting merrily like Winnie the Pooh over the northern part of the continental United States. It’s been spotted by U.S. officials and civilians alike hovering over honey trees in Montana. Naturally, due to its symmetry with the popular body-positive cartoon bear, it was easy to conclude the balloon belongs to Xi “Pooh Bear” Jinping and the Chinese government. Loving the brand consistency tbh.
But while the Pentagon seems uncertain the balloon is neutral and thinks it may be a device of spying, the Chinese government says it’s just a drifting weather balloon and we really need to chill out. The weather balloon theory was supported by some retired U.S. military officials as well. Regardless of what it is, America hasn’t decided to shoot it down and at this rate it may be a permanent fixture like a tragic helium birthday balloon that inevitably gets stuck in the rafters of the bowling alley and never comes back down.
Since I believe none of the people weighing in on the balloon mystery about anything ever including this incident: I’ve come up with some alternate theories.
- Secretary Blinken really didn’t feel like traveling so his buddy did him a solid
Due to the sketchy balloon floating over America, Secretary Blinken canceled his upcoming trip to China. For the past three years, if someone wanted to cancel a work trip all they needed was an exposure to COVID which was pretty easy to manage. Nowadays the COVID get-out-of-stuff-you-dont-want-to-do-free card has mostly expired. Blinken really just wanted to stay at home in his cozies and watch some new shows. He gave some of his state pals in China a call and up goes a balloon. It’s understandable, really.
- The Chinese lantern celebration marketing team went too hard
This weekend is the Chinese lantern festival which marks the end of Chinese new year. This balloon just so happened to arrive in America just in time for a celebration where people are supposed to light white paper lanterns and lift them into the sky or float them down a river? It just so happens to look exactly like the paper lanterns? Seems like a viral marketing campaign gone wrong to me. Or did it go completely right? Everyone is talking about it after all.
- The Wizard has returned
The Great Wizard of Oz, William Jennings Bryan, is known to travel by balloon and is from the midwestern United States or something. With the stock market as volatile as it is, and the interest in strategic minerals back on the rise, the Wizard sees silver fever having a renaissance and he’s ready to capitalize. Oz will rise again. Long live the Wizard.
- An elderly man just wants to go on the adventure he promised his wife
I saw something about this once.
- Jerry Nadler’s underwear blew off the line
Nadler dries his underwear on a clothesline for Climate responsibility purposes but when a strong wind hits – nature takes course. Force majeure indeed.
- Joe Biden and Xi Jinping are in an intense egg drop competition
Joe and Xi have gone back and forth dropping eggs from high places for the last three years. If Joe shoots down Xi’s egg balloon he automatically forfeits the contest. He will not lose again.
Whatever the situation may be I hope when it finally pops we have some sort of party like an episode of a sitcom.