You may have heard that recently the Senate lifted their long standing policies on dress code for the floor. There has been all kinds of weird and boring controversy about it but frankly what I’m excited about is to learn how these losers Senators would/will dress now that they don’t have to follow strict rules.
Here are my predictions for the fashion aesthetics we can expect our fave Senators to start making:
Sen. John Fetterman: Skater Boi
We’ll start with the man who made the dress code burner himself. We already know his vibe. Baggy shorts and hoodies. I see him in brands like Dickies, Nike, and Vans. Think Hanson 1999. Think Tony Hawk 2000. Think empty swimming pools and bucket hats. Think Degrassi: the Next Generation. It’s very then but it’s also very now.
Sen. Mitch McConnell: Soft Boy Luxe or “Femboy”
I can tell that Mitch likes the finer things. He likes silk against his skin. He likes a rosewater cuticle soak. He likes to be in touch with his feminine side. He’s in brands like Hermes, Valentino, and Haider Ackermann. Think French champagne. Think vespa rides across the Capitol grounds. Think cashmere turtlenecks and expensive conditioners.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren: Baddie
Deep down Lizzie is that b*tch. She’s a feminist and she’s not afraid to show off her female body. Elizabeth is going to be all about Gucci, Fendi, and Balenciaga. Pink is power. Camo can be any color. Think nails as long as fingers. Think WAP. Think cropped bomber jackets and straight hair. Elizabeth’s fits will be meant to wow not to function.
Sen. Marco Rubio: Dark Academia
Dark Academia may seem like left field for Lil Marco, but I get the sense that Florida’s sunniest Senator has been looking to express his intellectual side for a while. He can’t wear this stuff back home, D.C. harsh winters are his only chance! Marco is going to be about cable knits, hand-me-downs, and corduroy. He never hangs his sweaters, he folds them into a cedar chest. Think Harry Potter. Think Proust. Think stained glass, leather and latin.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Minimal Futurist
Joe Manchin sees a simpler future. He’s here for clean lines and practical realities. Joe’s going to favor performance materials. Crisp whites. Utilitarian grays. Expect Pave. Expect Madewell. He’ll be ready for surgery, to mediate or to go into space. Coal is the future and so is Joe.
Sen. Mitt Romney: Sad Beige
I think this goes without further explanation.
Sen. Ted Cruz: Barbiecore/Kencore
Ted Cruz is a man of the people. He knows the patriarchy isn’t just about horses but it would be cool if it was. He’s part cowboy, part nerd, part beach. He’s going to be about valentino, bright colors, self expression, and many accessories. Headbands, sunnies, hats. Ted is steering into the movie of the summer and he’s steering hard.