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The Life and Times of Pierre Delecto



This week conducted an investigation into the secret Twitter account of Mitt Romney. This investigation came in follow up to an in-depth profile on Romney written by the Atlantic where Romney himself revealed the use of a secret twitter.Slate was able to successfully reveal that Romeny’s fake account was under the nom de plume, Pierre Delecto. Pierre, is in his essence, the real Mitt Romney. Pierre has no need for filter or pretense. Pierre can exist as who Mitt Romney really is in his soul. Based on the handful of tweets, here is an estimated version of the life and times of Pierre Delecto: 

Pierre was born to a beautiful, blonde, American virgin obsessed with french literature, on a cloudless day in New Hampshire. As a boy, he was said to have become obsessed with equality for all. He saw that his neighbors didn’t have a cherry tree – so he took his grandfather’s hand carved axe and chopped down his father’s prized cherry tree (imported from Japan as a gift from the government – a gesture which inspired the later gift of cherry trees from Japan to the National Mall). When his father, a hardy American pioneer and war hero who benevolently allowed his wife to read because she blessed him with a first born son, discovered the downed tree – instead of being filled with anger he saw the sturdy dark trunk laying across the koi pond, now covered in delicate blossoms as a metaphor for the burgeoning trade relationship between the United States and Japan and the potential investment opportunities that could arise from the joined economies. This idea later would lead to the invention of Nintendo. When he asked Pierre, “L’arbor – que?” (for Pierre only spoke French until age 14 when he taught himself English using baseball cards and the Wall Street Journal) – Pierre bravely answered that he had cut down the cherry tree. His father was filled with pride for his son’s devout honesty and knew then he would someday be a great leader.

When Pierre was a young buck, rowing for Harvard, he met his would be wife, also named Pierre. One night he and Pierre were hosting a salon with their church choir/economics club when Pierre thought – wouldn’t it be nice if we could share all these profound ideas and conversations instantly on some kind of network? Pierre knew he was before his time, and had already committed his life to public service, so he wrote down his idea and left it under a secret panel in his rowing locker which would someday belong to Olympic champion rowers – the Winklevoss twins. 

Once out of Harvard – he and Pierre set to build their lives as public servants. Pierre by having seven male sons and one daughter who they selflessly donated to science; and Pierre by becoming Mayor of the New Hampshire town in which he was born. Pierre was a beloved Mayor. He knew he was so loved that he could easily become a Senator or even President without having to change his home to a more politically advantageous location. But Pierre was committed to his town. He and Pierre had already made their wealth, pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, using their trust funds and inheritance to pay financial advisors to ensure comfortable returns, so he had no need for fame and fortune. 

After a lifetime term serving as mayor, never once making a mistake, forging impossible bonds with foreign governments, Pierre was buried next to Pierre in the center of town which was renamed to Delectown and where his first born son, Pierre, now serves as Mayor. His daughter’s contributions to science are still unknown.