The Conservative Critic
Definitive ranking of Christmas movies based on how conservative they are
Ho ho ho and Merry Christmas from The Conservative Critic, it’s that time of year again to get cozy and veg out on your couch watching your favorite Christmas movies. This niche list will rank those movies for you based on how conservative they are. The haters and losers might think this list is stupid and unnecessary but if this critic didn’t do something every time it was stupid and unnecessary you’d have like 0 content from her.
There will be no nativity stories in this ranking because that’s too easy and also there will be no Die Hard. We’re not having this debate.
Here’s the definitive ranking of 10 Christmas classics based on how conservative they are:
10. How the Grinch Stole Christmas: anti-capitalist, humanist
The titular Grinch is anti-capitalist and is extremely critical of “consumerism” with no thoughtfulness about the many Whos who would be unemployed if not for the thriving economy of Whoville. His obsession with recycling garbage and lecturing people about their spending habits is all well and good until little Cindy Lou’s dad gets laid off and they can’t afford any rare who roast beast. The Grinch is a classic liberal in that he allows his petty personal grievances to dictate his approach to his entire life. He blames being teased as a child (and actually pretty mildly) for isolating himself and torturing everyone including his dog for the next 30+ years. Plus at the end when his heart grows ten sizes plus two and they all sing a song, it’s giving humanism. Its giving Burning Man over religious services.
9. Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer: Gay but to be fair anti-DEI
Rudolph is toward the bottom of the pile for conservative friendly family films but not the base. Hermie the elf’s desire to be “different” than his peers is obviously a metaphor for the LGBTQ agenda and his obsession with teeth is a kink. Yukon Cornelius is also gay and so is the snow man that sings. That being said, Santa’s refusal to allow that freak, Rudolph, to fly with his sleigh until he proves his value to the team is the kind of anti-DEI energy we need to be promoting.
8. A Year Without A Santa Claus: Climate propo but Heat Miser conservative king
There is some anti-American south sentiment in A Year Without a Santa Claus that puts it in the bottom half of rankings. “Southtown” residents don’t like Christmas because its warm? That is some serious northern liberal propaganda. Warm, palm tree Christmas is beloved by all in the great American south. Further, the whole “Mother Nature” plotline is just a thinly veiled reference to climate change. That being said, the absolute icon of Heat Miser is nothing if not a conservative king and Santa does decide to get back to work after visiting the people of the Great American south.
7. The Polar Express
This is a movie about how J.D. Vance, Candace Ownens, Benny Johsnon and Ben Shapiro (not pictured) go on a fever dream adventure to realign themselves for the greater good. But ultimately they all forget about the adventure eventually and go back to not believing in the magic of the conservative party. Im 99% sure that is the actual story. Featuring Tom Hanks, its lucky to rank as highly as it does at 7.
6. The Santa Clause: Tim Allen but foreign manufacturing
The fact that there is a play on words referencing corporate contracts right away boosts its conservative credibility. That Tim Allen is the star doesn’t hurt either. Plus the movie takes a lot of shots at “therapy speak,” it was very before its time in that way. But there are still some issues like the divorced parents clearly are better off divorced which is a bit anti-family and actually the “therapy speak” king, Neal, is sort of a precious king that we all cherish which is a bit on the lib side. Plus it’s very sympathetic to non-American manufacturing (North Pole).
5. White Christmas: Trad Origins Story
Fundamentally this is a film about a bunch of twee performing artists who discover their lives would be happier and more valuable if married with a bunch of children. I’m pretty sure the entire trad movement is based specifically on White Christmas. It also seriously honors the military and servicemen and women. Plus they make a quip in this movie about how Vermont doesn’t have any democrats. Senator Bernie Sanders must laugh and laugh at that.
4. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Political dissident seeks refuge to worship and conduct business freely
Santa Claus is Coming to Town is where these movies really start to cook. It’s a story about a political dissident who openly rejects a tyrannical government banning his merchandise and restricting freedom of association. The story is deeply religious. There is more than one song entirely dedicated to Christianity including one about being reborn in Christ. Its pro Christianity, pro freedom, and anti government regulation.
3. It’s a Wonderful Life: Pro-Life, pro-family, pro-Italian
It’s a Wonderful Life is a deeply religious film about the value of human life. While it doesn’t address babies directly, the notion that if George Bailey was never born the world would be a less good place is inherently a pro-life message. Babies who are killed in the womb never save their brother from the ice pond thereby saving hundreds of soldiers in World War II. And even though I think a leftist would argue that Mr. Potter is a symbol of the evils of capitalism ACTUALLY what causes George Bailey to almost take his own life is banking regulations that require a certain amount of cash capital. And furthermore, at the end of the day when the entire town rallies around George Bailey, his friend Sam in New York calls to give him a massive loan for whatever amount he needed; something Sam could only do because he invested early in plastics. And finally, the favored immigrants in the story are italians which are inarguably conservatives favorite immigrant group. USA! USA! USA!
2. Miracle on 34th Street (1994): Super Christian
It’s the remake not the original that is the true Christmas conservative juggernaut. In the 1994 film, the focus on faith is extremely pointed. The entire Santa story is a very telegraphed metaphor for faith in God. There is a quote in the 1994 film from Kris Kringle in talking to Dori Walker (the doubter) that says “I’m a symbol. I’m a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.” It is so beautiful and so undeniably specific to faith in God that I’m surprised even in the 1990s that they got away with in in a mainstream film. Further, in the 1994 version the argument which saves Santa is that the American people put their faith in God by putting “in God we Trust” on the back of the dollar bill. In the original, its faith in the post office by mailing letters to Santa which makes a logical legal argument but is void of any conservative messaging. There is a scene in a beautiful cathedral, there is a music montage featuring “Joy to the World” by a gospel choir as people proclaim “I believe.” And, at the end of the film there is a pointed highlighting of the star of Bethlehem at the top of their tree. Outside of actual Nativity stories, I am not sure there is a more Christian Christmas classic.
1.Home Alone: 2 Lost in New York: Donald J. Trump
Home Alone: 2, Lost in New York is the only Christmas classic to my knowledge to feature President Donald J. Trump which makes it the obvious most conservative Christmas classic out there. But on top of that, Kevin is a victim of a repeat crime. While in the film the robbers from the original story escaped jail, in real life in New York – violent criminals like these are simply released. Home Alone: 2 sheds a light on the dangers of allowing criminals back on the street.
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