6 Things as “Peaceful” as a Mostly Peaceful Protest

The phrase “mostly peaceful protest” has become the left’s favorite euphemism for “everything is on fire, but I still want to sound virtuous.” Apparently, if only 78% of a riot is flames, looting, and assaults, but 22% is someone holding a cardboard sign, it still counts as “mostly” peaceful! (Don’t do the math, it’ll never be mathing.)

To help everyone understand just how absurd this logic is, we’ve compiled a list of 6 other things that are just as peaceful as a “mostly peaceful protest.”

1. A Shark Attack That Mostly Involves Swimming

Sure, the guy lost a leg, but for the majority of the encounter, they were both just vibing in the ocean! That shark was mostly peaceful, if you think about it!

2. A House Fire That Mostly Spares the Bathroom

The entire downstairs is gone, the roof is demolished, but the guest half-bath survived. So technically, it was a mostly safe fire. Nothing to panic about!

3. A “Chill” Ex Who Only Slashed 3 Out of 4 Tires

Look, she didn’t break the windows and she attacked fewer tires than Carrie Underwood did in Before He Cheats! That’s growth. This was a mostly mature breakup.

4. A Plane Crash Where First Class Made It

“The back half of the plane went down in flames,” CNN reports, “but the mimosas in first class were undisturbed.” Mostly peaceful descent.

5. A Funeral That Was Lit… Literally

Grandma was laid to rest, but someone lit fireworks in the parking lot and punched the priest. Still, the eulogy was touching. So… mostly respectful.

6. A Toddler’s Tantrum That Only Involves Screaming, Hitting, and Biting

But she didn’t flip the table this time, so we’re making progress. Definitely a mostly peaceful meltdown.

So next time you see a car flipped, an Apple store looted, and someone lighting a Molotov cocktail while chanting about “justice,” just remember: if at least one person is not actively committing arson, it’s probably a mostly peaceful protest.